"They wanted me to be afraid to return - and I returned": The new life of a hostage survivor in Nir Yitzhak

About two and a half years after being released from Hamas captivity, Clara Merman is once again living in her home in Kibbutz Nir Yitzhak. The way back to the place where she lived for more than four decades was not immediate. It was built gradually, through short visits to the kibbutz, small repairs in the house, and re-adaptation to the place from which she was kidnapped on October 7.

"After I was released, I was not yet able to return immediately to Nir Yitzhak," Merman tells in an interview. "I stayed in the center and later gradually moved closer to home. When I moved to live in Urim with Luis, I came to the kibbutz more often and renovated the house a little. Only when I felt I was ready, I returned. About two months ago, I moved back into my house."

According to her, the longing for home was there throughout the period, but after her release at the end of November as part of the hostage deal, she was focused on the struggle for the return of her brother Fernando Merman and her partner Luis Har, who remained in captivity. "Immediately after the release, I went all-in on the struggle for the return of the hostages," she says.

She further recounted that "my brother Fernando and my partner Luis remained behind, and my whole being was occupied with the struggle for their release and the demand that the deals continue and that everyone returns home. Luckily, they were rescued in an IDF operation, but even after that, I continued the struggle for the return of all the hostages."

During those months, Merman continued to live in the center, but the connection with her home in Nir Yitzhak was not severed: "I would come for short visits. Each time I entered the house, I looked at it, checked what was damaged, and fixed something else. I wanted to return, but I was not yet able to stay. With every visit, I got a little closer, until I finally felt that I had truly arrived home."

"Returning home is my victory"

Returning to the kibbutz, Merman says, does not negate what she went through and does not mark the end of the rehabilitation process. However, it gradually restores her sense of belonging, independence, and routine.

She says that "Nir Yitzhak is my home. Here is the life I built, here is my community, and here I want to be," she says. "After everything that happened, the very fact that I returned to my home and that I can open it again to the family is my victory. Returning home does not mean that everything is behind me, but it means that I choose my life and my place."

What helped her return is the embrace she received from the kibbutz members, and especially from the group of friends who have accompanied her since she immigrated to Israel. "I feel the warm embrace of everyone in the kibbutz now," she says. "I am again alongside my friends, with whom I immigrated to Israel as part of the group and who have accompanied me since. I feel that they are watching over me, taking care of me, and helping me gradually return to functioning and life."

Today, Merman continues to travel once a week to the hostage clinic at Sheba Tel HaShomer Hospital, where she receives physiotherapy and psychological support. At the same time, she visits her daughters and helps her daughter who lives in Be'er Sheva, who recently gave birth to a son: "I have a new grandson and I help my daughter a lot," she says. "My daughters really appreciate my presence and my help as a grandmother. We all feel that this is not taken for granted. My ability to be there for them is part of my return to life."

Another part of her rehabilitation process is working with ceramics in the kibbutz. "Working with my hands, the creation, and the quiet that ceramics gives me help me a lot. It allows me to move forward little by little and rebuild my routine."

"They told me in captivity that they would return to Nir Yitzhak"

Alongside the sense of home and belonging, Merman does not ignore the security concerns that accompany life near the border. According to her, psychological warfare was used against her in captivity, intended to make her afraid to return to the kibbutz.

"I cannot say that I live in fear, but I am definitely aware of the dangers," she says. "In captivity, I did not undergo physical harm, but a lot of psychological warfare was used against me. Again and again, they warned me not to return to Nir Yitzhak. They told me: 'We will return there. No matter how long it takes, we will return to Nir Yitzhak.'"

According to her, this message was repeated throughout the period of captivity. "I heard these things from them day after day. It was psychological warfare intended to scare me and instill in me the feeling that I would not be able to return home. Therefore, for me, the choice to return and live today in Nir Yitzhak is also my answer to them. They wanted me to be afraid to return, and I returned."

Merman emphasizes that alongside her decision to return, the responsibility for ensuring the security of the residents of the Gaza envelope lies with the state.

"It is good for me to be at home. After everything I went through, I really needed the sense of home, the familiar place, and my life here. I have been living in Nir Yitzhak for over 40 years. This is my place, my community, and the home I built," she says.

She further recounts that "alongside the joy of returning, I am aware that a significant change is required here. As long as Hamas continues to control the Gaza Strip, it is impossible to guarantee the residents of the envelope the quiet and the sense of security that we need."

"We must not get used to threats again"

Against the backdrop of the events of the last few weeks at the border of the strip, Merman expresses concern about a gradual return to a policy of containment and getting used to threats. "I really hope that they will not normalize the kite terror that we have been witnessing in the last few weeks," she says.

According to her, "we must not get used to incendiary kites, rocket fire, or approaching the fence as if this is a reality that the residents of the envelope need to learn to live with. We already know where containment and getting used to these threats can lead."

According to her, one cannot settle for temporary quiet. "The state must find a solution that will ensure that Hamas does not continue to control the strip and will not be able to return and threaten our settlements. Alongside this, there needs to be another entity that can manage civilian life there. The residents of the envelope need a different security reality. Not another round, not temporary quiet, and not a return to the same concept that was here before October 7."

Despite everything, from her perspective, leaving Nir Yitzhak is not the solution. "I really think that we should not move from here. This is our home and terror must not determine where we will live. We need to continue living here, but the state must ensure that we can do so in security."

As recalled, in the last week, six kites crossed from the Gaza Strip and the residents of the envelope are angry and directing sharp criticism at the army. They claim that the disregard they felt before October 7 continues and that the security forces stationed in the settlements have been cut, despite promises they received from the government.