"Today I can say that I have the 'beigale'. I used to be afraid to say that"

Five years after her divorce from the father of her children, Israel, Jackie Azoulay defines herself as a single mother who has to take care of the children's finances herself. For more than a decade she has been a famous person, a chef, and the prevailing perception is that fame automatically brings a lot of money — except that in practice, says Azoulay, that is not the case. Not even in recent years, not even after she participated in a whole series of reality shows.

"I won't lie, there are financial anxieties all the time. There were very difficult periods, times when you can't put what you want in the cart at the supermarket," says Azoulay. "Many people in my field don't talk about the financial difficulty they go through, but I understand where it comes from. When you show weakness in this industry, then they weaken you even more. I called people who in the past offered me things and asked them about work, I'm not ashamed, and there are those who appreciated it. I won't open a camera and say 'Wow, it's hard for me now and there's no money', because that's not my character, but I won't be ashamed to ask and inquire."

So what did you do in periods when there was no income?

"To tell you the truth, I have a really good friend with means and a huge house, so I worked at her house."

Cleaning?

"Tidying, cleaning, I'm really good at it. On Passover I did her whole house. I found ways to make a living, I'm a mother and the fridge needs to be full. If I sit with panache and think about the days when I earned 300 thousand for a program, where will I get to? I have no help, it's just me and God."

Were there moments of breaking?

"I can go into a room, ask not to be disturbed, cry, scream, sink, do nothing, not answer the phone. But the children are the stopper, I know that I have no choice and that I must get up. They say about me that I am a strong woman, but in the end how does a woman become strong? After dealing with many moments of weakness."

"Sit, sit quietly"

Azoulay entered the consciousness 13 years ago as a contestant on MasterChef. Although she did not win first place, she became one of the names most identified with the program. Now she is there again, in MasterChef: Dream Team (Keshet 12). "It wasn't an easy decision," she says about the comeback. "They had to convince me."

What was the conflict?

"You can't forget the feeling that they are judging the thing you love to do most. And now, when I have some kind of status, it's a risk."

So why did you decide in the end to return to the program?

"Because they know how to convince, and because I said to myself, 'This is MasterChef, to refuse them is a kind of ingratitude'."

Fame and exposure can also be useful. "I never went to a program because it would promote me. I did a lot of reality (Survivor, My Sister Jackie, Winning Couple, Plastic Dreams), and everyone says I'm crazy about the camera, but I hate being photographed. I go simply because I flow, don't take things hard, and it's good money. That's the main reason."

When you debated, was it important to you who would be with you in the program?

"Yes, there are people I wouldn't participate in a program alongside. There were contestants from other seasons who were supposedly on the same typecast as me, and I felt hostility from them, because how am I succeeding and they aren't. Once one of the contestants told me, when we talked about the fact that sometimes fame isn't easy: 'Sit, sit quietly, they made you'."

Did it hurt you?

"It made me doubt myself, but today I know for sure that a reality program cannot make you. It can give you a push and a stage, but if you don't have the 'beigale', the uniqueness — it won't last a period. Today I can say that I have the 'beigale', I used to be afraid to say that."

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In recent years, Azoulay made a living mainly from a filmed digital cooking course and from cooking for people and events. She opened several restaurants and pop-ups that didn't survive, and on social networks it seems that she never exhausted her potential. "Instagram is the hardest thing in the world," she summarizes. "I think that in the food field I am among the best, but I take responsibility and say that I didn't push enough. I see girls today who have no idea doing big things in food. I don't disparage, but the truth has become less important, followers and exposure are more interesting. You need to return to people who know how to cook. There is no problem with the beautiful faces of these girls, but let them do what they know."

Sometimes I want to be modest

Azoulay began her public path as a religious woman, and later underwent a change in her lifestyle and clothing, which led to a lively media discussion and criticism. About her relationship with the Creator of the world she says, if I see a person who is having a hard time, I tell him, 'Put God in your pocket'. With me he is in the pocket everywhere I go, he sees everything. I conduct myself out of reverence, and I am crazy about him.

Explain to the critics the gap between faith and the external appearance you removed from yourself.

"I understand that in the eyes of the beholder it is a gap. In my eyes it is simply because I grew up — I won't say by force, but they taught me more to fear God than to love him. As a child it also bothered me that they checked if the clothing was according to the rules, but they never asked if I prayed or how I prayed, with intention or without intention. They instilled in me that the externality is the religion. 'God will love you according to how you dress, nothing else matters'. That scarred me. When I reached the age where I can do what I want, I said, 'I will throw away all this externality and take care of the internality so it will be perfect'."

With him I am me

Recently it was published that Azoulay (42) separated from her partner Oshri Abergil (37), a divorced plumbing contractor without children, after about a year and a half of intermittent relationship that also included living together. "It's complex and it's not entirely over," she shares. "There was a very big connection between us, a love that I don't know if I had such. It didn't end because of something dramatic, and it's hard for us to let go to this day. We once went to a conversation with a couples therapist and said that maybe we don't fit, he asked us if we love, and we both said yes. So he said that we fit and that we need to learn it."

The relationship was not the only complex struggle Azoulay had in the last year. About three months ago she revealed in an interview that she had skin cancer of the aggressive melanoma type, and underwent a series of complex tests and surgery to remove a lymph node in her back. This month she updated that the tests came back clean. "Almost a year ago I checked a mole and found out what the situation is," she says. "You start hearing words like 'PET CT', treatments, chemotherapy, surgery, and it's a dizziness that lands you in a second to the ground. Today I am after it, but it's hard for me to explain the anxiety I had at that time. You can die just from the anxiety."

Photo: Zohar Shitrit | Styling: Yuval Zar Aviv | Makeup: Ofek Levi | Hair: Aviv Lev | Production: Tal Politi