"Your relationship is a car that needs to go uphill, and you are both pushing it from behind with all your might"
Does the feeling that you are giving everything but nothing is moving sound familiar to you? Here is how to stop the mechanisms of resistance and criticism, and learn to restart the engine of your relationship.
"I am already so exhausted from this relationship," said Dana. "Understand, we are not a couple that gives up. We have done workshops, courses, retreats, read books, had deep conversations, gone on couple's dates, and somehow we return to the same place again," explained Amichai in despair.
This moment of despair is a common moment that I encounter a lot in the clinic. The moment when couples feel that they have given everything to the relationship, and nothing is really moving, and even the opposite. They are already exhausted and desperate. "You actually feel that your relationship drains more strength from you than it gives you," I told them.
"Exactly like that," said Dana and leaned back. "It seems as if your relationship is a car that needs to go uphill, and you are both pushing it from behind with all your might," I continued. "Exactly like that," responded Amichai.
"And pushing a car instead of riding in it is exhausting, wearing, and almost doesn't move you anywhere," I said.
"So what do we do?," asked Amichai.
"Just as there is an operating manual for a car, there is also an operating manual for a relationship."
"Interesting, can I get some information from this manual?," asked Amichai.
"First you need to stop pushing," I answered.
"That sounds simple," said Amichai with a chuckle.
"That is actually the hardest stage, because pushing is basically everything we are used to doing: pointing out, criticizing, explaining, convincing, justifying, complaining, getting angry, blaming, etc."
"So what is left?," asked Dana in embarrassment.
"A great deal, but first you need to agree to stop what is not working."
"But if I don't tell him how much he is missing and wrong in what he is doing, how will he know?," asked Dana.
"The question is not whether he will know, but whether this way brings you closer or pushes you apart. These behaviors are failure mechanisms that manage us, and are very similar to addictions. Even though we know that they don't help us and even harm us, we continue to do them."
"But why does this happen?," asked Amichai.
"Because there is a false promise in them that our soul clings to and believes in every time anew, for example: that if we stop pointing out or explaining, then nothing will move. In practice, despite the comments we make, nothing really moves, and this promise is not fulfilled."
"I really identify with this, and I truly feel that I cannot stop myself from criticizing," said Dana.
"I also feel that I cannot automatically stop explaining why I am right, even though I know that in the end it hurts our relationship, and only angers Dana," added Amichai honestly. "And what happens after we stopped pushing the car?," he asked.
"The time comes to get into the car," I said.
"What does that mean?," laughed Dana.
"You first need to understand the difference between being outside the car and pushing, and being inside the car. Being outside the car is being the one who knows more, is more right, or is more hurt. Getting into the car is agreeing to sit together inside the relationship, and say: we are in this together. I am not more hurt than you and you are not more right than me, it seems we are both trying very hard and missing each other. Instead of telling the other what they need to do or changing them, we need to start saying something else," I said.
"What?," asked Dana.
"I understand that what I am doing is not really bringing you closer, and I understand that I am not succeeding in inviting you to me. We are both trying, and we are both perhaps a little lost along the way. This is no longer pushing from the outside but sitting together inside the relationship."
"And then what?," asked Amichai.
"Then comes the moment when you need to start the car. And what actually turns on the engine of the car?," I asked.
"Communication?," guessed Dana.
"Awareness?," added Amichai.
"Love. Most couples think that they will be able to give love only after things work out, and the truth is completely the opposite: the relationship starts to move only when there is a spark of love," I answered.
"But what if I am angry?," asked Dana.
"Especially then," I answered.
"That sounds almost illogical," said Amichai.
"Because most of us grew up with a different formula. When a child behaves well, they are given warmth and love, and when they don't - rejection is created. And then we bring this formula into the couple's relationship."
"And what does an act of love look like?," asked Amichai.
"A kind word, a soft look, a hand on the shoulder or a small smile," I answered.
"That sounds so simple," said Dana.
"It is indeed simple. But not easy," I answered.
"And what happens after the car has been started?," asked Amichai.
"You need fuel," I answered.
"Which is?," asked Dana.
"Trust. Not trust that comes after proof or is destroyed as a result of past experiences, but basic trust in the goodness of the other. Even when they are wrong, missing, or hurting. The common mistake is that we explain to each other how they are not okay, analyze and prove with logic."
"Feels like that is really me," laughed Amichai.
"That is like putting the wrong fuel in the engine. Not only will the car not drive, but the engine will burn out. Look, the fact that the relationship is stuck is not because there is no love, but because we are working with the wrong movements in the relationship. When you stop pushing from the outside, get inside together, light the spark of love and refuel with trust, the car finally starts to move.
"And when this engine really starts, and the car starts to drive, you can reach places much more beautiful than we imagined."
