Understanding Addiction: Beyond Judgment and Toward Healing
Rabbi Dan Tumkin explores the roots of addiction, urging society to look past surface behaviors and judgmental attitudes to address the deep emotional pain and trauma underneath.
When someone struggles with addiction or emotional pain, well-meaning phrases like "get a grip on yourself" or "you have your whole life ahead of you" often miss the mark entirely. According to Rabbi Dan Tumkin, addressing addiction requires shifting our perspective away from judgment and toward deep empathy, focusing on the pain hidden beneath the surface.
In the first installment of a new series on addiction, Rabbi Tumkin argues that we must look beyond the behavior itself to understand the underlying suffering. "When the soul is broken, all these nice words cannot be absorbed," he explains. "We need to see not just the posture and the escape, but also the pain."
Not Every Habit Is an Addiction
Rabbi Tumkin distinguishes between ordinary habits and the compulsive state where behavior begins to control a person. Using his own love for coffee as an example, he notes that while mornings are difficult without it, he can still choose to abstain when circumstances require. This demonstrates that the habit remains under his control.
He cites a similar principle from Rabbi Eitan Eckstein, founder of Retorno: a person may love ice cream, but if they have just eaten meat, if it lacks proper kosher certification, or during Yom Kippur, they can easily forgo it. The real difference begins when behavior is no longer merely about pleasure, but becomes a mechanism to silence deep pain.
"It Is Not Just the Evil Inclination"
According to Rabbi Tumkin, addiction is rarely just a matter of weakness, laziness, or a lack of willpower. He describes individuals dealing with a "black hole in the heart," carrying heavy burdens of shame, guilt, or frustration. For such individuals, addictive behavior acts as a psychological painkiller.
"It is not something rational," he emphasizes. "It is a desperate attempt to obtain a painkiller and alleviate an intense pain that an ordinary person usually cannot even fathom." He adds that addictions extend far beyond substances, encompassing gambling, excessive work, unhealthy relationships, and compulsive digital device usage.
Why Criticism Fails and How the Environment Helps
Confronting struggling individuals with harsh questions like "What are you doing to yourself?" or "Don't you care about your future?" rarely works. While logical to someone not in crisis, these messages fail to penetrate when a person is desperately seeking immediate relief from inner torment.
Rabbi Tumkin stresses that families and communities play a crucial role. Rather than expecting a treatment center to simply "fix" a loved one, the surrounding environment must help restore a sense of personal worth and strength. "If we look these children in the eyes with true compassion, acknowledge their pain, and give it space, we can heal a broken heart," he concludes.
