Why you must stop suppressing your past

Many people carry their past like a heavy bag: accumulated mistakes, shame, disappointments, and events that were not given a place in real time. It often seems that if we do not touch these memories, they will disappear on their own. However, in the program "Meshivat Nefesh", Rabbanit Tzila Elchanati and Rabbanit Pri Cohen emphasize that suppression is not erasure. On the contrary, what is not given a place continues to manage us years later.

According to Rabbanit Pri Cohen, there are two incorrect ways to relate to the past: sinking into it with bitterness or running away completely. The healthier way is the "golden middle": to remember, to understand, to process, to take what can be learned, and to move on.

Not to stay in the past, but also not to run away from it

Rabbanit Cohen cites the Book of Deuteronomy as an example: before entering the Land of Israel, Moses our Teacher returns the people to events from the past. This teaches us that it is impossible to truly move forward without acknowledging what has been.

Memory is not supposed to turn into nostalgia or endless pain. The goal is to use it as a tool for growth. The question is not "what happened to me?" but "what am I doing today with this experience?" If a person manages to understand how the past changes their choices in the present, it gains a new meaning.

Why does suppression feel safe?

We suppress feelings out of fear that touching the wound will destroy us. Rabbanit Cohen compares this to a closed soda bottle: when it is sealed, the pressure remains inside. If you open the cap slightly, the bubbles will rise and disappear.

Fear of feelings is paralyzing, but acknowledging the emotion reduces internal pressure. Suppression is a defense mechanism born of unbearable pain. It should not be despised, but it should not be turned into a way of life either. To move forward, one must be willing to meet what was hidden.

Pain as part of the journey

One of the central ideas of the episode is that pain is not always an enemy. Rabbanit Cohen uses the parable of the "dry bones": for them to gain life, one must first agree to look at them. The first stage may be unpleasant, but if one does not run away, the "noise" and fear will be replaced by a new understanding.

This approach also applies to periods of mourning in Judaism. We are not required to pretend to be happy when there is longing inside. Giving a place to pain means allowing it to give birth to movement forward.

"I cannot forgive myself"

The program discusses a question from a 17-year-old girl who cannot forgive herself for a mistake made years ago. Rabbanit Cohen explains: it is shame that keeps a person in the past. To break this cycle, one must "look straight" at what happened, not by justifying the mistake, but by not erasing the responsibility. The Jewish worldview is based on the fact that humans make mistakes, fall, and are capable of repairing themselves through Teshuvah.

Fear of imperfection

In the era of social media, where everyone strives to look flawless, acknowledging one's own weakness requires courage. But the desire to hide every flaw comes at too high a price. Rabbanit Cohen reminds us: "There is nothing more whole than a broken heart." Acknowledging our imperfections is not a weakness, but a necessary part of working on ourselves.

The past does not determine the future

A sign that the past is still managing you is a disproportionately strong reaction to current events. If you feel anger or anxiety, ask yourself: what really flooded me now? When one succeeds in naming that feeling and processing it, it stops dictating our reactions.

The past is part of our story, but it does not have to write the next chapter. When we stop being afraid, learn from mistakes, and insert faith into the pain, the heavy burden becomes part of the way forward.