Healthy Authority vs. Control: Insights from Mashivat Nefesh
In the program Mashivat Nefesh on Hidabroot, Rebbetzins Tsila Alchanati and Peri Cohen explore the fine line between healthy parental authority and controlling authoritarianism in relationships.
We all need boundaries. Children need parents who guide them, employees need managers who make decisions, and in every relationship, there are moments when someone must take responsibility. But what happens when authority ceases to be a tool that provides security and turns into a need to control the person in front of us? In the television program "Mashivat Nefesh" produced by Hidabroot, Rebbetzin Tsila Alchanati and Rebbetzin Peri Cohen discuss the delicate line that separates healthy authority from authoritarianism, and the question of what drives a person to repeatedly cling to the reins of power.
What Hides Behind the Need to Control?
According to Rebbetzin Peri Cohen, behind coercive behavior there may actually lie an unfulfilled wound of a person who never received proper recognition. Someone who has felt for years that they are unvalued, unappreciated, or insignificant may try to compensate for this through force and control. "The battle is not taking place between them and the person standing opposite them," she explains. "The battle is taking place between them and themselves, between them and the little child inside who refuses to feel miserable anymore."
Therefore, external success does not necessarily solve the difficulty. A person can advance at work, receive a senior position, or become an authoritative figure at home, yet still feel that they must constantly prove they are strong, knowledgeable, and right. The rebbetzins emphasize that true power does not require constant noise. A person who feels secure in their worth is capable of listening, accepting criticism, and even admitting they do not know everything.
What Happens to Children Living Under Control?
The gap between authority and authoritarianism takes on special meaning in the parent-child relationship. Cohen warns that a home where a child cannot express their feelings may look quiet on the outside, but the price is often paid later in life. She stresses that during adolescence, children need not only boundaries but also the opportunity to ask questions, understand, and voice their feelings.
"There must be an opportunity for a child to express what they feel," she says.
A parent can set rules and remain the authority figure at home, but the question is how they do it. Does the child feel that someone is listening even when the answer is "no," or do they learn that any attempt to express an opinion will immediately be interpreted as insolence? When control becomes the permanent way of managing a household, the rebbetzins warn, the child may drift away even if they continue to obey outwardly.
Setting Boundaries Without Fear
The same principle applies to marriage and other relationships. A person living alongside a coercive spouse, manager, or family member may gradually begin to shrink, fear reactions, and alter their behavior simply to avoid conflict. Here, the rebbetzins offer a shift in perspective: understanding that tyrannical behavior is not necessarily a sign of strength.
Ultimately, the difference between authority and control is not the existence of boundaries. Healthy authority knows how to lead without erasing, set limits without humiliating, and listen even when the final decision remains unchanged. Control, by contrast, turns the other person into someone who must constantly adapt to avoid anger, criticism, or confrontation.
